THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

The other day I had a revelation in the dentist’s waiting room. My dentist, like most other dentists and doctors, usually has a huge array of women’s magazines to help their patients pass the time. Truth be said, I don’t know why he bothers because he is extremely punctual, so I am lucky if I even get to take a peak at Elle or Marie-Claire. Indeed, for my next visit, I plan to get there 30 minutes before my appointment so that I have time to peruse through his magazines. Anyway for some reason that time there weren’t any of the usual women's mags, maybe my dear dentist had to cancel some subscriptions because of the recession? What WAS available was a copy of Esquire magazine. I thought great! if I was to dip for the first time into the realm of men's magazines I could do worse. Esquire is a classy magazine. Full of expectations, I thus opened a gentleman's magazine for the very first time. It did not take me long to understand one thing which no matter how many womens’ magazine I flicked through in my life, I never understood before, I knew it, but never really fully felt it before. Here was my revelation!

Exhibits A & B

Clockwork Orange! The association screamed at me!

Exhibits C & D

I immediately think The Matrix. A vague ressemblance with Elvis, long coats? When did you ever see men in long coats on the street unless they are Goths, Neo's wannabes or priests?

  Exhibit E & F

What the ??? ....ZOOLANDER?
Exhibit G

You gotta admire the narrative behind this. They just had a romantic momentsssomewhere in the desert, and now he is off to work fully dressed in 110 degree heat, mind you he doesn't appear to be wearing socks, and she is just sprawled, presumably breathless and I should hope not dead (phew, at least I dont see any traces of blood!). Wow, just wow! Our grand-mas who burnt their bras some 45 years ago must be tearing their hair out.

Exhibit H

This one is just cute, 110% for trying, with Prince Charming going up the tower to rescue Rapuntzel. Wait,  did she just throw him 120 ties ??? It 's hair dahling! Hair, hair, hair!

Mind you these two are by far my favourites!

And I thought Zoolander was fiction, an exaggeration. You really gotta ask yourself who reads this! Mind you, you can't judge a book by the cover, amidst the ads for Italian shoes, Swiss watches and other electronica, here are some of the other features - how to make your own pipe, how to chop wood, how to pull the perfect pint, how to give a man hug - so far so good - how to hypnotize a chicken ???? I particularly enjoyed the sex advice column "It's all over her face", need i say more?

What she wants - Tonka Imperiale perfume by Guerlain, at £145, Damson Continental Purse by Smythson at £325, Wave phone by Samsung at hmmmm.... no price and of course the indispensable green leopard pony-hair bag by Dolce & Gabbana that she cannot do without at a mere £1,1162 !!!! LAMENTABLE!

There is also great boy stuff like football shoes, beer, whiskey gaming, computers, Tim Robbins, and a great article on great waves and tsunamis. And great tips, but strangely reminiscent of women's magazines. Check that out: How to stop gym boredom, or why man+woman+Ikea=row, and the unavoidable man’s guide to women, detailing how to decipher what she says, how to be unnaturally patient, what they expect of men etc, etc, etc…. Just change words around... and you get a female magazine, I rest my case.

But yes, I saw the light, I did realise that all this stuff is just two dimensional to bear any relationship with reality, people, men or women, don't look like that, relationships do not work like a car manual, no matter how much we would wish it to be the case, it would be too simple.

Thank you dear dentist! Through glancing through the Stepford husbands' magazines I got to see the other side of the mirror...